THOUGHTS
dreamt they knocked down the studio doors while i was sleeping
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ion got sympathy for men that act predatory or desperate when they are horny
black girls aint here only to be disrespected or to help you on your healing journey
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i have life real life. like there was a time around this time that i didnt really have much life like not just my life. two lives in one body and another life outside of this body. n now its jus mine. i am me. jus me
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DEC 9 2021 yew were taken out of me
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https://www.commonnotions.org/new-blog/2018/5/31/let-us-survive-demanding-the-decriminalization-of-sex-work
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herbs to make you bleed
neem
juniper berry
ginger
penneroyal
black n blue cohosh
cotton
mugwort ! how could i forget
rue
dong quai
parsley
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hair and politics
radical love
in a constant state of prayer
predetermined paths to success
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promise ill be good for yew
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Looked2thaSky
manipulate and create what you want
I had grown so far from gentle touch
To be touched by someone who does not know the meaning of the word gentle
for too long it was normal.
To stay hidden n quiet. to be turned inside out like a mango skin
bleeding soft underbelly showing, like a beating heart
To trim down the budding fruit until it stays small and malleable
To keep my mouth shut at the hand of threats
May Truth Prevail but what happens when truth has been warped ?
Threat after threat after threat
He called the cops to my house at 3am
Im a black woman sleeping at 3am
treated like someone’s property
My ancestors pulling at my neck tell me stay away
Yes I’ve felt you
To heal people like it’s our job because this is instilled into me
to be taken advantage of and still go back + become the worst of me
This is normal
To hold their child in my own child stomach
n they’re drunk get drunk get drunk get drunk get drunk break a glass break my porch trip over my bed yell in my face run away for hours fuck at the bar
While I’m a mother here
in the winter I was a mother there .
The patterns are normal
This what my mama did
What my mamas still doing 23 years later
What my nana did what her mama did
This what we do
We take a hit
Then another
Then some more
n then we listen
With arms open still
Gullible fish.
I invited them back
Hoping for gentle
he promised me gentle
Never be gentle
The amount of disrespect a black woman has to endure to survive
In every way of the world
In every way of a person.
it’s a tale as old as the hematite tubes
To refuse the word truth
To refuse the word trust
To break someone down until they are a drink with pulp
That you can add your whiskey to
And to keep finding ways .
yes, you can get addicted to power
I watched someone get addicted to me and then take all my power
abuse don’t mean shit to niggas unless I gotta scar on my face
n yet I’m still here
Looked to tha Sky n I said “More”
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letter 2 my father
your fences have built a fire
in my heart
im tired
still.
20+ years ov loving you,, ov being belittled by,,,
you were the strongest one until now
this is what you wanted,
right?
TO BE HOME
To be home is to be swallowed whole and screaming inside of my kitchen sink.
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INTESTINE
It greets me in my gut.
Rubbing against my fingers and vibrating my ears.
I can’t seem to find you in my flower anymore.
you’re never around and it used to burn
Now it just echoes
In my stomach,
you pierced my soft underbelly
with your eyes last winter and I’m still burning
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REACH FOR ME
reaching is hard so reach for me
I’m on a bed
I’m in the road
you’re in the bed
I’m not there. she’s there.
I need to flinch to feel like I’m breathing
but I’m never breathing I’m only lying.
felt something so new and I don’t know how to respond.
keep having people behind me can’t tell if my legs are gone
can’t feel them
can’t feel me
can’t feel this
can’t reach
can’t reach
and she’s there in your pants
not me
I can’t reach
im under the kitchen tiles and he’s here telling me to get up
but I don’t listen to anyone but my past love
I don’t listen to anything but the fungi and they tell me all the things you won’t.
fish know everything fish, feel everything
fish don’t know anything, fish don’t fucking feel.
hook in mouth
I’m not here never was here
will never be here
like I’m here to you now.
took on too many things at once just take them all away
can’t reach so reach for me
but it’s not your fucking problem
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THROAT FULL OF BEES
Let me lose sleep just to see your face on a screen
Let me pour my soul into the back of your car
Let me show you every song that has ever haunted me
Let me be not too pretty,
Love only when you want to,
Forget about me
But let me be blind to greed
I have you, that’s all I need.
Let me hold you when you want to be held
Let me be quiet when you’ve heard enough from my mouth,
Throw me around like I’m used to it
Rip me apart and then tape me back together,
So I’ll never truly be whole again.
Let me love you unconditionally
Until I rot completely
You chose me;
Oh, how happy I should be.
But I panic at the very sight of you.
throat full of bees
grazing my knees on cement
You made me feel important
Darling, one darling
You are made of smoke
You made my lungs dark
Breath like tar,
You make me choke
I used to whisper so soft
Lips itch
Scratch off the skin
Because you stained them eight months ago
And I’m still
unable to finish my coffee in the morning.
you said my skin was a burden on you
said you were embarrassed
said my pride was unnecessary
my eyes,
dark brown,
you told me you dreamt of them every night
what a joke
you’re an insomniac
we both have that in common
but I believed every word
because you told me I could live within your melodies
you told me I could sleep inside of your hands
but god, that was a lie too
To you,
I looked just like everyone else
From withered fingertips, to
My peeling skin
Weeping for pugilists
And bartenders
you wrecked me
you made me believe my skin was unnatural
but darling,
my skin is the color of the very earth and its soil
my skin is the home of trees and lavender and bees
you made me believe I was not beautiful enough
but darling, have you ever seen anything more radiant than my golden brown skin in the summertime ?
sometimes in the evening, the sun even blushes at the sight of me.
haven’t you seen the sky turn pink ?
I was your favorite song,
until you listened to me too many times.
and the day i walked away, I went home and drowned my skin and curls in oils and fragrances,
I filled myself with warm tea and ginger
I learned to fall sleep without seeing your face before closing my eyes
I didn’t see you in my dreams anymore
I fell asleep to the tenderness of loving myself